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Anand's 35th at CMHCC

The cool of the night breeze wafting through the window

That finally leads me to slumber…

That’s what it’s all about.

 

The desperation till the sound of your first cry.

The warmth of your tiny shrivelled form when I first held you.

The beating of my heart as you nursed at my breast.

The fear as you convulsed in the delirium of high fevers.

 

That’s what it’s all about.

 

The pride when you finally took that first step.

The anxiety of leaving you in the care of another.

The trepidation as I left for work each morning.

The thrill of your embrace as you greeted me when I returned.

That’s what it’s all about.

 

The guilt of not fighting for your inheritance.

The dignity of independence as I cared for you alone.

That’s what it’s all about.

 

The pleasure in hearing a giggle escape you.

The anger that wells up when you smash anything in sight.

The helplessness of being unable to protect you.

The hope that rises when others hold out a steadying hand.

That’s what it’s all about.

 

The smile I force to my lips and my eyes.

The heart that’s crying within.

The tenderness as I watch you curled up, fast asleep.

The apprehension as I ponder over what lies ahead.

 

The sweet contentment of knowing I did the best I could.

That’s what it’s all about.

 

Note: I did my best. But I cannot help but question – Has it been enough? Anand is 35 years old today. As his environment becomes increasingly restricted, my thoughts turn to the many other children whose environments are very restricted too. Not because of the special needs that, much to my sorrow, necessitate it in Anand’s case; but because we haven’t been able to give them what they should have, and is their right – by way of enriched and supportive learning environments.

My work allows me to reach a few children and hopefully make some small difference in their lives. While it does not take away the pain of my inability to change Anand’s life; it does give me an additional sense of purpose. Through them, perhaps I can also reach some small corner of Anand’s life.

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